Twenty And Infertile

I’m two days late. I’m half praying I’ll wake up tomorrow with blood stained sheets, announcing the arrival of my period.

 Except, deep down, I don’t want my period to arrive.

I want to be pregnant. But I don’t. I’m not ready to have a baby, my partner isn’t ready to have a baby, yet I still have this inner turmoil every month.

The thing is, I’m waiting for a miracle. A medical miracle, because I can’t have children without one.

Most 21 year olds aren’t thinking fertility, they don’t have to think about it. I always expected to be fertile, and to be able to pop out a sprog when the right time came.

Yet, here I am, two days late hoping that by some chance my fertility problems have miraculously been solved and I am with child. 

But I’m 21. I want to travel the world. I want to buy a house. I don’t want a baby yet.

I never actually wanted a baby to begin with. But when you’re told you can’t have something it kinda makes you want it.

To cut long story short, a year ago I was told I can’t have babies. To hear that as a 20 year old woman was awful. I can’t describe the feeling - my brain felt empty and I felt numb.

Did I care? Would I ever care? Will anybody ever love me properly if I can’t give them children?

I don’t have the answers. Right now, I’m on a journey to discover how this will affect my life in the future.

All I can say for now is that if something like this is happening to you, it’s not the end of the world.

There is an answer out there. That answer might be using a surrogate, it might be adoption, or it might be not having children at all. All of these are valid conclusions to come to.

Just know that you’re not alone, no matter how alone you may feel.

There are others going through the same ordeal. Seek them out, go to support classes, find your tribe. They’ll help you rebuild after (what might be) devastating news.

Brighton Girl is my tribe. I hope you find yours.

To be continued...

Written by Jess.